Hurt Since People Knew Who I Really Am

Firstly, I haven't been here in a while; business to attend.

But I really need to get this off my chest. I've never really felt like I fit in. People tease and bully me for being myself. They take advantage of the fact I know what they don't. People repel me so much. I have major trust issues. I just feel that so many of my peers don't understand, what I'm going through, what's weighing on my mind. They wouldn't cope.

And my parents don't understand me. They don't understand that I like being alone. That I don't get much sleep because I'm an insomniac. That I really don't care for people's emotions that much because emotions don't help. They don't understand my love for my music and my love of creating.

I never have understood how emotions work or how other people's minds work in relation to mine. There are very few people I feel I can trust around me. But - if I'm honest - it sometimes doesn't include my parents.

We were talking about heroes in class today. So many people said their families. My family... My most understanding family is online. People online have more experience with what I've gone through/am going through.

I can't fit in. How can I? I'm an insomniac and people think I'm weird for sleeping about 4 hours. I'm a high functioning sociopath and people think I'm weird for hating emotions. I'm an introvert and I like being alone and when I am, people misunderstand and think I'm upset. I'm imaginative and people can still say things there too. I'm a nerd - top set in all the subjects that have sets - and people want my answers; and they get offended when I turn them away. I have trust issues and very few people seem to see that I can only work with people I trust. Stick me in a group of people I can't trust because of what they've done to me already, tell me to work in a team with them; whammo. I will burn. Because my ideas mostly get shunned to the side. Because when I'm asked a personal question and I don't want to reply because it hurts too much, I'm burnt. It all hurts too much. 

When people know the true me, they will either hate me, give me a chance and defend me or just double-cross me. Too many people I have trusted for them to betray my trust. Very few people I know will defend me because they know me; even if we haven't known each other for years and years. There's some people who know they shouldn't annoy or tease me when I'm angry because I can get violent, they understand if I don't want to talk or tell them anything, they help me and they don't pry. We can have fun and I can look back on others and say 'I gave you a chance and you blew it. You blew it big time. You want to be my friend again but I'm not letting that happen.'

I can hate my parents for not understanding me. I can hate my teachers for not understanding my problems. I can hate my peers who tease me for being who I am.

What am I in the end? A freak to them. Just me to my close friends.

My close friends understand that I have major trust issues, that after certain events I find it hard to take a joke, that I'm easily annoyed and you shouldn't anger me, that I'm allowed to be myself. Because, in the end, I'd rather have a handful of friends who I could trust with my life then a large social circle of people who I'm unsure about.

I'm different. Is that so bad? In the society in which I live, it seems so. I like different things to people and that makes me weird. I actually like lessons and all that shizzle and that makes me odd.

Most people I know are shocked when they hear this from me. The minority of people just know that's how I feel because I trust them enough. They let me break down crying - like now I suppose - and they wouldn't tell anyone why if I asked them not to.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. That comes across to much sometimes. Not even my parents. My parents don't understand that I like being left alone to get lost in a book or drown in music, that I can never sleep or that I bloody hate being emotional.

I like who I am. It's better then some of the people I know. I have no problem with being an insomniac, a sociopath, an introvert and a nerd. I have no problems with my friends being the way they are. I don't care if people think I'm a freak. One day, they'll realise when I stop talking to them, that they've wronged me so much. They won't get me back.

If you think I want attention, I don't. I hate it. I only try my hardest. Then people think I just want glory. I hate that. I hate most people. People aren't important to me.



To my trust worthy friends and to those I can trust online, I'll miss you with all my heart but I'd rather be alone... But please be there where the nightmare ends, waiting for me when I need you.